


The Impossibility of Reason

by fancifulfiction



Category: Barry (TV 2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, F/M, Gen, Mentions of War, Pre-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2020-02-07 06:15:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18614824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fancifulfiction/pseuds/fancifulfiction
Summary: Two opposing life-altering events happen in one day that changes the course of Barry’s life.





	The Impossibility of Reason

I killed people. I killed two people, shot them from 700 yards away. And it felt good. People were proud of me, chanting my name and clapping me on the back. Nobody’s ever been proud of me. Except for her.

There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about Grace. I’m doing this for us, I have to keep reminding myself of that so I can get through this. We can get married, get the house we’ve always dreamed of, start a family…

If I come back sane. If I come back at all.

At nightfall we went back to the barracks and mail was wordlessly handed out. Getting a letter from her would almost be enough to forget what I felt when I killed that man. Almost. Sure enough, I get exactly what I need. But the biggest surprises come in the smallest packages. Or envelopes, I guess.

_Dear Barry,_  
_I walked past the baseball field today. I was thinking about all the summer nights we spent laying on the diamond looking at the stars, laughing and getting our backs all dirty. I guess I just felt compelled to go there. I miss you so much. The hardest part is I can’t count down the days until you get home because we don’t know when that will be. I hope it’s soon, and I hope you’re sitting down while you read this because I have some news. You’re going to be a dad, Barry. I’m six weeks along as I’m writing this, probably more by the time you get this letter. I know this wasn’t part of our plan, but I think we can do this. We’ve gotten through everything else together. So make me a promise. Promise you’ll come home safe._  
_Love,_  
_Grace_

I lay here paralyzed with fear, a feeling I know only too well. How can I be a father and mold a life when I’ve taken one away? How can I be a father knowing that some sick part of me enjoyed taking said life? The Marines made me into a fucking monster, they beat me down to my most primal essence. A soldier is someone who kills with purpose, that’s what I was told. A human is not supposed to take joy from this, that’s what I believe. And yet I contradict both of those things. A killer can’t raise a child.

There’s a Before and an After. Before was carefree, optimistic, hopeful. After, if it exists, will be a shell of my former self. She deserves all of me, not pieces that she feels obligated to pick up. Not a man who will scream at night at the same time as their baby.

I love her, but I don’t deserve her.

I begin writing, explaining all the reasons that she needs to move on, that I can’t be the man she needs me to be. I’m scribbling furiously into the night. They’re going to need me on watch again tomorrow and I’ll be running on empty, but this is more important.

I can’t get the words right. Perhaps it’s better if I just disappear. The last thing I ever thought I would do. But it needs to be done, for both of them.

I steal Albert’s lighter and sneak outside to burn the letter. I don’t care if they find us. I can’t care about anything anymore. I won’t allow myself.

Starting...now.


End file.
